But those who hope...

I'm in week two of the belief project (or whatever the heck I'm calling it). I'll be honest, I've been distracted and not quite attentive to what God is doing. But, nonetheless, God is reaffirming his promise and reminding me of the part I play. Here's what I discovered today...

"but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength."

Isaiah 40:31

I looked up the definitions of the Hebrew words for hope and renew in this passage. Hope means wait, look for, hope, expect. And renew? Among other things, to go through, change, grow up, alter, or change for the better.

I've asked God to change me. I'm being stretched in a belief that God would create a real change in me, a change deep down in my character and my heart that manifests itself in my words and actions.

And today God reminded me that I need to look for him and expect him to do that if I want to see a change in me for the better.

Praying for divine expectation...

My Unbelief Part 2

I think God wants to help me overcome my unbelief… All signs point to this theme in my life and I work through a Beth Moore Study called “Believing God.”

These were my prayers today:

Lord I confess: I doubt that you will transform my parents’ and siblings’ understanding of and relationship with you. I doubt that you will capture the hearts of my friends in real ways. I doubt that you will bring Tommy and I closer together to each other and in our relationship with you. I doubt that you will create any real change in me.

Oh Lord I am sorry. Please, please help me overcome my unbelief! I don’t want to be this way. I grow more cynical and I am less amazed by what is truly amazing. Give me a spirit of awe, a spirit tuned into what you are doing and the incredible nature of your work. Help me to believe that you can create a change in me.

Help me overcome my unbelief. Please don’t give up on me as I muddle through this. Don’t give up if I miss signs that you are working- or if it takes me a really long time to notice your blessings. Please don’t give up if my heart is hard and cynical. Soften it and give me awe for you.

Help me overcome my unbelief.

A few days ago I identified two areas of my life that I really needed to believe that God would show up and move in. One was in my own mindset. Maybe it’s a little bit of postpartumish blues, but I think mostly it’s just my own attitude and need for adjusting; at any rate, I’m unhappy more than I’d like to admit. I am carrying a chip on my shoulder and with it a sense of entitlement. I let my mind tumble headlong down the rabbit hole of how hard I’ve got it and how much I deserve a break, how hard I’m working and how little everyone else is, how no one else can understand because no one has as difficult a life as me. And you can see, of course, how this kind of thinking lends itself so easily to selfishness and self-centeredness. And at the core of it is a general inability to recognize and be happy with the many, many blessings I’ve been given right now. So I’m asking God to change this. To change my mindset. To help me believe and see how he is working in and blessing my life. To help me believe that he can create a change in me and that I won’t be stuck in this wretched, selfish mind forever. Somewhere along the way I got cynical. I stopped seeing the awesomeness of God, I stopped being amazed by him and what he’s doing. I want that to change. I want to be amazed by God.

The second area I’m asking for belief in is in my marriage. Lately I’ve felt like Tommy and I have been disconnected. Marriage has felt like a burden and we haven’t had fun together in so long. I feel like we are not loving each other and listening to each other in ways that the other person recognizes. And I am taking out all my unhappiness on him. I need to see Tommy with new eyes, to see the things I fell in love with again and to enjoy him more.

So I am choosing to believe that in the next ten weeks of this study God will show up in these two areas. I am praying that God will help me pray with faith for these two areas and that I will be given eyes to notice and a heart that appreciates the ways he is working. And even though, quite literally, no one reads this blog, I’m going to use it as a space to document this challenge. Maybe I’ll let people in on the journey as I go, but for now it will, at the very least, be a place where I can go back to see how God worked in my life that one time I took a leap of faith and chose to believe that he could and would show up in real ways.

My Unbelief

Please Lord, don’t let Monster take his first steps while we’re on the missions trip.

Comfort Kelley and Matt- they are hurting and they’ve lost a child. I don’t know how you recover from that.

Help me find my cell phone.

Don’t let my dad die before he gets to see Monster grow up.

Help me to be kinder to Tommy today.

Lord save a place for my family in heaven.

Please let Monster’s nap be extra long today.

Thank you for Charlie’s recovery from surgery. Please guide Megan and Chris on the windy road of raising him.

Lord love Candice extra clearly today. Give her peace about her mom and the house. Just let her feel safe and loved today.

Don’t let Monster have autism. Give me some signs he’s not going to end up unable to make relationships.

Help my unbelief. I don’t know if you are even listening. Or if you are even worth all this.

These have been my prayers lately. They run the gamut from sort of silly and trivial to heavy with the weight of other’s sorrow to deep with fear and worry. And at the very heart of all these prayers whispers a voice that is getting louder and more unsettling all the time. Is God even capable of doing anything? Have you seen him working lately? Is this life you’ve given yourself to worth it? Do you even believe what you’re selling?

I have felt heavy lately with the sorrow of others’ pain. It seems the world blew up for those I love in the last few months. One lost a nephew, just days away from being born into this world with all the joy and wonder that is supposed to carry. Another found out her mother is dying and then had to endure painful conversations highlighting the years of hurt in their relationship. My husband’s best friend has just been told the cancer is spreading and to start living his last days well. A month later his mother passed away. Another couple we love dearly waited patiently to get pregnant and after years of worry and fear that it wouldn’t happen they gave birth to a beautiful baby boy with a hole in his heart and downs syndrome. Instead of coming home with their sweet boy they had to leave him in the care of doctors and nurses at the hospital and then entrust him there again just 2 months later for open heart surgery. It just doesn’t seem fair.

And all of this has left me wondering where God is? Why are you throwing more stuff on the shoulders of people who are already about to break? And selfishly I wonder, when is my other shoe going to drop? What do you have in store for us? I want deeply to believe in the power of Christ. I want to love him more than anything else. But I’m stuck on the doubts. I’m stuck in the pain and the hurt and the seeming absence of God. I’m stuck in my unbelief.

“I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!”

Oh how that has been my anthem. Since I read that passage I have echoed the man’s prayer. And ten years into life with God I still want to believe. I’m still asking for help to overcome my disbelief.

Confession

This is my confession…

by my words I believe…that being a good steward of money is an important act of worship

by my actions I believe…that I deserve whatever I desire whenever I desire it and coupons are for chumps.

by my words I believe…that God answers prayer.

by my actions I believe…that God doesn’t have time for my prayers. I need to cover my bases just in case.

by my words I believe…that Jesus is the only way to salvation and belief in Him is all that can save you.

by my actions I believe…that making people feel comfortable and like me here on earth is more important that their salvation for eternity.

by my words I believe…that only God can hold judgment on others and myself.

by my actions (and inmost thoughts) I believe…that every facebook status, passing comment or action is evidence I can use to make swift and sound judgment on you…and myself.

by my words I believe…that God’s grace is for everyone and the gift of grace is that it’s free, unearned and full.

by my actions (and inmost thoughts) I believe…that God’s grace may be for others, but it’s certainly not for me. And I’d rather earn my grace anyway…I don’t like to feel like I own anyone. And even if I did work to earn it, God’s grace couldn’t cover all the grime I’ve managed to stain myself with.

by my words I believe…that taking care of my home and my son are important ways to show my husband I love him.

by my actions I believe…that watching the “real” lives of other people’s wives are important uses of my time.

by my words I believe…that I am part of a team in my marriage and we are both working hard to be selfless and serve one another.

by my actions I believe…that my husband is the one who really should be selfless and serving. I am more deserving of break even though he works a lot harder than I do.

by my words I believe…that my relationship with Jesus is the most important part of my life, that He is the very core of my existence.

by my actions I believe…that blog reading, facebook stalking, Internet surfing and a series of mundane chores are the most important parts of my day.

by my words I believe…that my relationships with others are to be valued and prioritized highly

by my actions I believe…that I just don’t have time for others. I’m too busy reading blogs written by people I’ve never met.

by my words I believe…that I am working hard and doing everything I can to be the best mother, wife, friend, youth pastor and servant of God that I can be. That being selfless with others will ultimately bring joy to my life.

by my actions I believe…that I am the most important person in the world and I should do whatever makes me happy. And being lazy and taking lots of breaks to check my email, check facebook, watch one of the thousand television shows on my dvr, read another blog, and spend hours and hours getting pulled in to the “click this link” time suck that is the internet is what will make me happy. By my actions I believe that doing whatever mind-numbing thing I want to do at any given moment is more important that what anyone else needs of me. By my actions I believe that I’m doing a lot and I deserve a break. By my actions I believe that doing a lot is actually doing very little and making excuses for why I can’t do the very simple basic tasks I’ve been given.

The How We Found Out Story...

The story starts a week earlier at about 6 pm upon returning from the farm. It starts with one line and not two. It starts with a sheepish confession to my husband, “I took a pregnancy test. It was negative.” “How do you feel about that?” “Kinda sad.”

Fast-forward one week. Still no tell tale morning cramps. No ribbons of pink blood in the toilet. My mind keeps returning to the instructions on the pregnancy test box. If you still have not gotten your period in one week take another test. And tests are most accurate when taken first thing in the morning. I’m not pregnant. But those pee sticks come in packs of two. And I have one left… Morning. Wait until the morning.

4:45 am. I have to pee. I have to take that test with my first pee of the day. It is waaaaaaaaaaay to early to be up. I’ll pee on the stick and go back to bed. The pee stick will still be there in 2 hours. So I do that. And, because I really don’t think I’m pregnant and I’m only taking this test for due diligence, I am miraculously able to sleep.

6:30 am. Now Ireally do have to get up. As I shuffle to the bathroom to pee again I remember what I left on the bathroom sink two hours ago. Bleary eyed and still not quite all together there I pick up the pee stick of destiny. One dark line. And one not so dark line. I look at the “pregnant” picture on the box. It has 2 lines but they both appear dark. What does one dark and one light line mean? Am I only a little pregnant? Did I leave it out too long and some how magically a second line appeared? Could I actually, really be pregnant?

“Holy Crap! Tommy!”

He bolts out of bed like a fireman who’s just heard the bell. “I don’t know what this means?! I think I’m pregnant!”

I show him the pee stick and explain my two dark line/one dark, one light line conundrum. “I think this means your pregnant,” he says, a little too uncertainly for my liking.

Needing to feel 100% certain, I tell him I’m going to CVS to get one of those idiot proof pee sticks that says “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and because I was planning on working out this morning anyway, I startwalking there.

And because it’s still not 7am I have to stand outside the CVS with a few homeless people and the other creeps like me who are waiting for the CVS to open up. And because it’s CVS and not Walgreens, I have to ask the manager to unlock the “family planning “ section where condoms and lube reside next to the pregnancy tests.

And I run home, idiot-proof pee sticks in hand. Tommy’s hopping out of the shower as I pee on the stick. Then, he clad in only a towel, we proceed to argue about whether or not we will watch the flashing clock until it settles on the one or two words that could change our lives forever (his preferred plan) or walk away for 3-5 minutes and come back for the results (my choice). And then, as I frantically try to peel him away from the pee stick and into another room, the flashing stops.

Pregnant.

And suddenly Tommy has enveloped me in his trademark bear hug and life has changed in a moment. We have just gone from two to three.

Decade...

10 years is a big theme in my life right now. My 10 year class reunion is coming up this fall and already a facebook message page is abuzz with excitement, memories and suggestions for how to mark this momentous occasion. This month marks another 10 year anniversary in my life. In January of 2001 I committed my life to Christ. Strangely, despite the fact that I journaled about everything during this period of my life, I didn't seem to feel it necessary to record the exact time and date that I made that decision. So all I know is that it was in January...sometime in the middle I think.

I remember the moment quite vividly, despite it's lack of presence in my journal. I remember the dinner with Kyle in Panera, my lamenting about just not quite being ready to call myself a follower, his do you believe questions, my yes answers and Kyle's simple, obvious statement, "well Colleen, I don't know how to tell you this, but you pretty much believe all the core Christian faith beliefs." It was almost as though he were a doctor telling me that, in spite of my insistence that something was wrong, I was, in fact, quite healthy. And my response: "yes I know I believe all that, but something is still missing." I remember going home that night, sitting on the edge of my bed in my high school bedroom, the west wall a collage of pictures of friends and happy occasions. I remember the words jumping out at me, "what must you do to be saved? Love the Lord with all your heart and soul and body and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself." I remember my sudden, light bulb, Oprah a-ha moment realization- that's it? I can do that. I remember the instant message conversation with Byron, my dear friend who had been so Christ-like to me in his sweet, accepting love, later that evening, his exclamation points cheering me on in my decision. I remember telling my Christian friends the next day, tentatively, shyly, and my surprise at their excited, happy reactions. And I remember that deep knowing that now that I'd said it out loud, made that commitment, there was no going back. I was in it for the long haul.

That verse is somewhat ominous as I reflect back on my 10 years of loving God. My relationship with Christ has, at times, felt a lot like all of my high school relationships. Me, desperately trying to earn God's love, to be shiny and bright and good enough to catch his attention, loving Him from afar. Me, making a much larger deal than necessary of small, sometimes insignificant moments, almost as a way to prove or validate the relationship. Me, knowing this wasn't right, knowing I had the whole "Christian life" wrong, but unable to know how to fix it. Me doing all the loving, not really knowing or expecting to be loved in return.

In the last two or three years I've tentatively dipped my toes in the waters of another way with God. A more authentic, peaceful, true way. I've had real, significant moments when I've let Christ's love wash over me, transform me, fill me. I've heard the voice of God, clearly and beautifully. I've given myself more grace than ever before and I've found more grace in God.

In my 10 years with God those moments are unfortunately too rare. I so easily revert back to my old ways, resigning myself to this unhealthy relationship with a version of God I've created instead of living out a life giving one with the real and true Creator. I choose the dysfunctional relationship every time, out of laziness, or comfort or fear. I've likened it to holding on the the bumper of a speeding car, falsely believing I can control that car if I just try hard enough, when, in reality,the car is dragging me along, battering and bruising me at every turn. Letting go is to scary, however. The view of the back of the car is at least familiar; I don't know where I would end up if I let go.

And so I cling, getting more and more battered and bruised with each pothole and hairpin turn. The longer I hold on, the more faith I lose. The more I believe in my own abilities to make things work and turn this car around, the less I believe in the saving grace of God. And the further I get from that grace, the less I want others to know God. Why would I want others to get involved in this abusive relationship? Save yourself. Life with God is hard and painful and reward less. I'd get out but 10 years ago I made a for life commitment.

But my way of living is not life with God. And I need to let go once and for all. I'm half-heartedly worshiping a sadistic, abusive idol when I could be embracing the true God whose name is Love and is Grace personified. My hope is that as my 20 year high school reunion approaches I can look back on the last 10 years with God differently. I want to see a decade that has been rich with the goodness of God's grace, one that is marked with an understanding of just how much God loves me, not just how much I can beat myself up trying to love Him. I want this next 10 years to be thick with the presence of the one true God in my life. I want to overflow with all that I've received from Him. It's all there. God is waiting patiently for me to really see him. But first I need to end, once and for all, this unhealthy relationship with the fake God I've mistaken for the real thing all these years.

Buzz

I need that buzz today. That spark, that energy in my innermost being that is tangible evidence of my connection to my creator. Truth be told the moments I’ve carried that energy and fire around inside of me are few and far between. The last time was during this past advent. At the beginning of Advent I made a decision to make this year the year that I stopped flying through the Advent season buying gifts and attending parties without a moment to pause and reflect on what this season is really all about. I decided, partially, I think, because my son’s baptism coincided with the first Sunday of Advent, that this year I was going to do what Advent calls me to do: anticipate. I needed to be present in this season of anticipation.

So I did something both incredibly obvious and at the same time incredibly profound. I sat down to connect with God. This time however I wanted to try something different. I googled Advent practices and came across one from a church in Michigan. The Prayer of Examen. I liked it. It was doable. It is not new or fresh to the world. It’s been around for ages. But it was new and fresh to me. And just as I was discovering this new and fresh to me practice in my inbox an email hit with another Advent practice. The Lectio Divina. Another practice that is not a wild new idea but rather centuries old. But, again, to me it was new and fresh. And this email came from a leadership development group that provided me with four lectionary readings for the week. Four passages of scripture with which to try this new practice of Lectio Divina. So there it was. As though they had been sent from God himself, my Advent practices.

And the first few days were magical. God spoke clearly and beautifully to me through these ancient practices. I walked around with a sense of, dare I say, anticipation, excited for what God was and would be doing. I listened to others better, slowed down more often, and connected with God more throughout the day.

But then, as it often happens, life got in the way. I chose to spend my free moments doing chores, or watching reruns of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Each week I would get a new email with new lectionary readings. And for the first few days it would set me back on track, until I was easily derailed again. All in all it was probably the most intention I’ve ever given the Advent season. But it wasn’t all the intention I had to give.

Now we are weeks into a new year; Christmas has been boxed up and put away. And I am feeling the deadness that comes from too many days without a real and meaningful connection to God. I’ve tried those ancient practices again, but they didn’t have the same effect. I think it may have had something to do with my motivations for returning to them. During the Advent series I used these new practices to help me connect with God. And the byproduct was a sense of purpose and inspiration. The byproduct was the buzz. Now I am returning to these practices for the buzz, not the connection. I want the cheap thrill, not the deeper connection. I feel a little like an addict desperately trying to find that high again. To take the hit that will give me the buzz I so desperately need.

And I do this all the time. I find something in my walk with God that works that connects me to Him and makes scripture come alive. Then I turn this beautiful practice in to an idol. I return to it, not to allow myself to be present and filled with the love of my creator, but to feel the energy and anticipation that comes when I am deeply anchored in God’s love and purpose. I allow myself to believe that unless I’m doing this X practice, for X minutes, my time with God doesn’t count and isn’t worth even coming to the table for. I believe that this is the only way God wants to connect with me and if it’s not working it’s my fault and I have to keep trying until I can make it work or just walk away from meeting with God all together. And then, as you can guess, I always choose the latter and let weeks go by without any significant attempt to pray or read scripture or even really think about God. And then I feel dead and meaningless and short-tempered and consumed with the mundane. Until God, with grace I am undeserving of, finds away to present a new practice, a new way of connecting. And it is beautiful and wonder-filled until I go and screw it up again…and the cycle continues.

I’ve been a Christian for 10 years. And in those 10 years I’ve learned a thing or two about myself and God. One of those things is that I need variety in my walk with God. I need to change it up, to be present in the large AND small moments, to try new things and trust that God is there waiting with open arms for me. And in my best moments I do. But far, far more often I revert back to autopilot. Continue my horrid cycle of trying something new, feeling deeply connected to my Abba, turning that something new into an idol and pushing myself away from God. It’s insanity! Will I ever learn? Will I always struggle and work within this cycle. I have prayed countless times for God to break through. To create a change in me. Still waiting. Still plowing through. At least, I’m still trying.