And now in a display of total randomness...

I was asked to post this on my friend Catie's blog. I enjoyed writing it, so I'm adding it to the blog. It's part one of the Epic Prank war we had in high school.

The Epic Prank War’s Humble Beginnings

For years the following events have traumatized me, but as we’ve just passed the decade mark since this all transpired, I think I’m finally ready to speak about it. “It” is the horrific kidnapping and brutal murder of my snap bracelet. Also referred to as a slap bracelet, for those of you not well versed in popular accessories of the late 80’s/early 90’s this is a slap bracelet. I had a snap bracelet when I was 8. I wore it with my neon outfit and triple layer socks. It was awesome.

I had recently acquired from a local gas station the most awesome of all awesomeness…a snap bracelet. Which of course I showed off to everyone I knew. Cause, duh, it was awesome. Well two future convicts in training who henceforth will be referred to as “the hoodlums” (JON MILONAS and KRIS JOHNSON I’m talking to you!) decided to begin their lifelong crime spree by stealing MY snap bracelet, affectionately known as Snappy. Now this part is a little hazy. I think, in an effort of self-preservation, I have blocked out the actual kidnapping. It is unclear to me how exactly they got their hands on Snappy. I mean obviously I was wearing it at all times.(BTW, I recently got in touch with one of the hoodlums (JON MILONAS) in an effort to clear up this blocked memory. I appealed to his sense of humanity asking him to please confess his crimes in the name of justice, but he claimed to have no memory either. As if.) At any rate Snappy was kidnapped and the following day I received a ransom note and these pictures.

Despite the professional disguises I immediately knew the identity of the two kidnapping hoodlums (JON MILONAS and KRIS JOHNSON). I could not just sit around and wait for the kidnappers to give me further instructions. Like Liam Neeson in Taken I had a very particular set of skills; skills I had acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. I would get them where it hurts. I would kidnap their metaphorical Snappy.And that metaphorical Snappy came in the form of a Home Alone poster. It was one of the hoodlum’s prized possessions. And I would take it until Snappy was returned.

Now I’d like to stress that what transpired next was NOT my fault. I laid out a plan for a safe and secure removal of the Home Alone poster. Exit routes were secured, back up was enlisted.However security for Operation Snappy’s Revenge was compromised and the hoodlums were informed of our plans. They attempted to halt the poster removal and in the scuffle that ensued the Home Alone poster may or may not have gotten a little torn. Like, the tiniest piece came off the corner. It could have been easily put back together with some scotch tape and a careful surgeon’s hand.

However, because we were dealing with madmen of epic hoodlum proportion (JON MILONAS and KRIS JOHNSON), this miniscule snafu sent them in to a murderous rage. The tearing of their metaphorical Snappy had been an ACCIDENT in retaliation for an even graver deed. It wouldn’t even have gone down that way if they hadn’t tried to rip the Home Alone poster out of my hands. So really, it was their fault if you think about it. But because we were dealing with hoodlums of the worst kind no amount of reason would have talked them out of what they did next…

This is what I received, on Valentine’s Day no less.

In case you can’t tell, this is a picture of my dear, faithful Snappy, being cut into a million pieces (or 32) amid a tray of Valentine’s cookies. The photographic evidence of their heinous act was delivered along with Snappy’s remains, in a heart shaped box. My eyes well up as I think of Sweet Snappy’s broken body.

And then, as if that wasn’t enough the two hoodlums enlisted the rest of their hoodlum pack to continue their Inappropriate and Unnecessary Revenge Tour by infringing on the most sacred of rituals, the ALL GIRLS SLEEPOVER. Which brings us to where Catie began the tale of the Epic Prank War. I won’t spoil the end, but let’s just say that for Snappy, justice was served.