To Messier Houses in 2017

I think it was J.K. Rowling who, when asked how she managed to write those epic books while raising her young children as a single parent, responded that while she was writing her house was a disaster, her bathrooms unclean and the laundry left to pile up.  She said you can’t do it all, all the time.

When I first heard that truth I “Amen, sister”-ed and mentally high-fived a thousand angels.  And then I probably went back to cleaning my bathroom.

I’ve been home with my four kids full time for eighteen months, since just before the youngest was born.  I stepped down from a part-time role in youth ministry because frankly, having four kids in five years will break you a little.  That and no one wants to watch that many kids for free anymore (not even grandma). 

So I found myself home a lot more.  And suddenly every cabinet and closets and hidden nooks and crannies in my home began screaming for attention.  I noticed all the things I should be attending to that I’d previously been unable to pay attention to when I was working part-time outside of the home. My to-do list had monthly projects like cleaning out every closet and cabinet or finally getting around to organizing all those photo albums.  Once I started paying attention to these projects that could but did not need to be done my lists grew exponentially, multiplying like those proverbial rabbits.

And one day I realized that my house was regularly clean, the laundry was done and put away and the major monthly projects were slowly getting done, but my "career" was non-existent.  There is more order than I could possibly need in my home, but not enough fulfilling, creative work in my life.  And I was filled with more angst and less energy than I’d ever felt during my most chaotic days of being a “working mom.”

Over the past few months I've set about trying to reverse that.  I redesigned my weekly rhythms, building in time for creative work and writing when I am most mentally energized, in the mornings at the beginning of the week.  I reprioritized when and how I get things done.  I tackle my work first, the work that gives me energy and stretches my mental muscles.  I fit in workouts in different pockets than I had done before, in an effort to give my best time to the work.  And I leave cleaning for the end of the week, when I’m pretty mentally fried anyway.  (I’ve also taught my kids to dust and clean bathrooms which has changed my life in immeasurable ways.)  I’ve also reprioritized what needs to get done to keep our house afloat and keep me from going crazy and let go of what could get done but could also just as easily be ignored.  I stopped putting five big “organization/cleaning” projects on my monthly to do list.  I put one on there and don’t stress too much if I never get to it.  This means my photo albums are unfinished and my closets a bit chaotic.  But my soul is singing in a way that it wasn’t before.

I’m writing more and planning other projects.  I’ve engaged in activist work in a way that has connected me freshly to God.  I’m happier in my home because I don’t feel a slave to it, which in turn makes me better to my people who live in that home.  They were simple tweaks, inspired by the realization that all the order and organization in my home would never bring me the joy fulfilling and energizing creative work would.  And the reminder that J.K. Rowling didn’t write those beloved books while also keeping a spotless house.  It’s better for me and my family when our house is a little messier but mama feels a little more whole.

Happy New Year

A terribly cute/terrible toddler with some current sleep issues kept Tommy and I from ringing in the New Year together this year.  He took the big three kids to the Farm while I stayed home with the youngest.  My NYE consisted of sushi with my mom, and binge watching New Girl alone in bed, all of which had me asleep well before midnight.  NYE looks a little different these days and that is fine by me.

As a result, however, nothing about the last few days felt like any sort of “holiday” and I kind of forgot that there was any real significance to the day, other than the fact that I got to bust out my brand new Paper Source Art Grid calendar.  Instagram reminded me quickly though and I watched as many people posted their joy that the dumpster fire of a year that was 2016 was finally put to bed.

2016 was a crazy making year and unfortunately much of what made me crazy will be coming with us into the new year.  For me, when I look at our country and our world, the things that produced anxiety and hopelessness in me this past year are still very much in play.  And I don’t really know what to do with that as I look ahead to 2017.  The scary things feel too much outside of my control and out of my ability to produce any kind of change.

I really haven’t written much since the election.  I haven’t known how to start or finish anything.  When I write I’m looking for grace and hope and redemption and, well, that’s been harder for me to find.

But it’s a new year and I want to get back to old practices. I want to look at life a bit more like a camera lens this year.  My resolve in 2017 is to zoom that lens in and out this year.  I want to remember to zoom out, to look at the big picture and to care about what’s going on in the whole world.  For me this will look like paying attention, getting involved in whatever is resisting bigotry and hatred and injustice, and using whatever cards I have to speak up when necessary.  I’m going to read and listen and learn.  I’m going to be extra aware of what’s going on when I zoom that lens out and see the big picture.

But, that big picture can be overwhelming at times and I can seem powerless.  There is a lot I can’t fix or do.  And so I’m going to remember to zoom that lens in real close too and pay attention to my people, my kids and my husband, my family and the friends that have become family.  I’m going to focus the lens on them and their needs and how I can be of service.  I will make my world very small and settle into it, because this is where I can do the most good, this is where my actions produce the strongest ripples.

There will be a time for zooming the lens out and pulling it back in close and I need to do both.  My job this year is to pay attention and respond accordingly.  I can’t forget that there is a greater world out there that is hurting, that there are real injustices and abuses of power that need attention and resistance.  And I must remember that first and foremost I am called to the people in my home and in my community.  That making dinner, or reading stories or listening with full, undivided attention to my four-year-old as she rambles on about a weird dream she had last night about a unicorn, wonder woman and her best friend is often my most important ministry for the moment.

So this year I’m attempting to zoom in and out with my lens, to remember both views and forget neither.  

Happy 2017, friends.