Restless

It's a rainy day. A dreary, rainy day. Dreary, rainy days make me feel restless and contemplative. I find myself walking around with an unsettled fire in my belly. I find myself thinking about the ways I'm still so insecure. The ways I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. The ways I'm walking through a life that isn't quite what I want my life to look like. The way I'm not quite the woman I want to be yet. And for some reason dreary, rainy days, more than any other type, leave me longing to be on the other side. Longing for completion. Longing to not be a work in progress. Or at least not in this type of progress.

I'm tempted, on rainy days, to fix this longing with a new outfit, or a new hair cut, or a new book that will somehow provide me with a simple three step solution to the life I've always wanted. I'm tempted on rainy days to overhaul my whole life. Run to whole foods and buy only organic, healthy foods. Run ten miles as soon as the rain stops. Get a whole new wardrobe and throw out the yoga pants and hooded zip ups that comprise my uniform. I'm so tempted on rainy days for the quick fix substitute to fill the aching in my heart.

I'm not as inclined to do the one thing that I need to do on days like this. Rest my restless heart in the arms of my Creator. Open my bible and drink from it's well. Let my heart bleed onto the pages of my journal. Sit with myself and all of my incompleteness. And then bask in Grace.

Because I don't do any of this with discipline and consistency, doing the one thing that I know will fix my restless, rainy day spirit doesn't seem like the fix. It seems far easier to run out to target and use my credit card to fix me. At the very least I'll feel happier for a little while.

Today the pull away from what I need most feels stronger than ever. My heart is so torn. There is an internal tug of war going in. The fire in my belly roars to be fed with a deeper Fire. My hard heart screams that it is pointless. Which will win? Where will I go on this rainy, dreary day?