On Advocating for your Kids and Not Being That Parent

Currently two aspects of my personality are warring each other.  On one hand there is an incredibly large part of my persona that doesn’t want to make a fuss.  I don’t want to be difficult, don’t want people to have to spend a lot of energy accommodating me, nor do I want to be perceived as anything short of “go with the flow.”  I’m a fairly adaptable person, and would much rather be the one adjusting to circumstances than force others to adjust around me.  The thought of someone thinking I’m difficult or hard to please makes me all hivey and twitchy.

I’m trying very hard not to raise selfish, difficult, “please accommodate me” a-holes.  I want them to be able to work around others’ needs and preferences.  I want them to be able to handle change and hiccups with grace and consideration for others.  However, three year olds are not particularly great at this, especially three year olds as adverse to change as my Monster.

Therein lies the problem.  Currently, this core value of being “easy going” directly conflicts with my other core value of advocating for my kids.  I found myself in the principal’s office of Monster’s school asking if it would be at all possible for him to stay with the same teacher for summer school.  He started school with only two weeks left in the year and his transition has been, shall we say, not great.  (See also: awful, frustrating, and traumatizing for everyone involved.)  The one bright spot has been his attachment to his sweet teacher, Ms. Kim.  He talks about Ms. Kim at home, finds comfort from her alone, and can be seen holding her hand during the day.  In short, Ms. Kim may well be the only thing Monster likes about school.

I completely understand that things will have to change and my kid will need to learn to adjust.  I want him to learn to adjust, believe me.  It would make my life a heck of a lot easier.  But this transition has been so difficult and he’s had to deal with so much change already, I’m a little concerned losing Ms. Kim will make his head explode. 

So there I was in the principal’s office, my mama bear instincts asking for someone to accommodate us, to plan around us, while my “be as undifficult as possible at any cost” side nervously sweated and paced, so uncomfortable with the conversation.  I stood their hating this, reading every look on the principal’s face as proof that I had been deemed “that mom” and would forever more be placed in the
“demanding parent” category.  Yet I persevered because it’s my kid and he needs me to advocate for him.

Where do you draw the line?  How much advocating do you do, and how much do you let your kid learn to adjust?  How do you keep from being a “troublesome mom” without neglecting your kid?  I know at my core that speaking up for Monster is much more important than what anyone thinks of me.  And yet I still die inside imagining the staff complaining about me in the teacher’s lounge!  Has anyone else struggled with this?  How did you decide when to speak up and when not to?