Things I Don't Do...

I was pretty profoundly affected by Shauna Niequist’s book “Bittersweet.” Her chapter entitled “Things I Don’t Do” especially moved me. Shauna writes about learning to give up some things in order to do the things you really care about. As I read her list I felt the liberation she must have felt in letting go. And my mind began to race with all the things I didn’t want to do…all the things I was suddenly free to choose not to do. It was exciting! Freeing! And slightly overwhelming. Some of these things were so deeply ingrained in my sense of self that it felt naked and vulnerable to walk away from them. I hold so tightly to the person I want to be, the better, shinier, more together person; letting go of some of the things I think I should do is inevitably tied into letting go of the person I keep hoping I someday will become. But I am slowly, carefully trying to let go of that person in favor of accepting the reality of who I am…and embracing that reality with all the grace and love I can muster. So here are the things I don’t do (and a few things I do).

I don’t consistently remember people’s birthdays and send them cards and perfect gifts. Sometimes, when the stars align just right, I have the foresight to anticipate the upcoming birthday in enough time to buy a card and get it out in the mail to arrive on said birthday. Most of the time, though, I realize it’s a dear friend’s birthday at about 9pm on the day of said birthday and frantically call before I’m officially deemed a crap friend. I love, love, love to send “just because” cards and gifts as the inspiration strikes and feel that this gesture comes from a much more authentic, and non- guilt driven place.

I don’t wear make up most of the time or leave my house looking 100% together. I used to before Liam was born. And maybe someday, when I know for sure that I can squeeze a shower in before 5pm, I will again. But in this season I’m ok with only the occasional cute outfit and blown out hair.

I don’t feel bad about my house, especially after I visit a house that is much better decorated than mine. The thing is, I don’t watch HGTV or decorate my house. If inspiration strikes I may find something cool to hang on that blank dining room wall, but only if I really want to- not because I just visited a home that is cuter than mine. Instead I just ask those friends with cuter houses to help me.

I don’t let a lack of time or desire to cook prevent me from entertaining or attending a party. When I want to, and the mood strikes I’ll bring a homemade dish, or make dinner for quests. Otherwise, take out or a bottle of wine is usually better than whatever I make anyway.

I don’t read things on the Internet that stress me out or make me feel like a bad mom/wife/friend/Christ follower. I don’t read things that leave me feeling anxious that I’m not doing something right or accomplishing enough with my life. This includes, but is not limited to facebook profiles and pictures, blogs, websites, and amazon.com reviews of books written by people my age that a may or may not have met at some point in my life. (For the record, this is a really, really hard one and I may or may not need some hardcore accountability on this one J)

I don’t hang out with people who make me feel like life is a race and I’m not keeping up.

I don’t confuse caring about other people’s feelings with taking responsibility for their feelings. Because I don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings. Nor do I take responsibility for the things they refuse to speak up about on their own. I have the right and ability to speak up for myself when I am hurt, angry, sad, happy, frustrated or overwhelmed. Everyone else in my life also has that right. I don’t take responsibility for their feelings when they choose not to exercise that right.

I don’t spend a lot of time beating myself up for my imperfections. This is one of the hardest to let go of, and what I think I will be most tempted by. Sometimes I will forget that I don’t do this, but I will remind myself to stand in grace and move on.

I don’t feel guilty about the things I don’t do.

And now….what the heck to I do??

I love God and I work to make my life a song that makes him smile, laugh, delight and brag. I strive to keep Christ at my center and core and to continue to grow and stretch and change as he leads. I work towards remembering that life with God is cyclical and not linear, so at times I will appear to circle back while moving forward. I pray and read and think and write as acts of worship and means of growth.

I prioritize my relationship with my husband. I work to love him better, know him more intimately, serve him more selflessly, and believe the very best about him. I save energy, desire, laughter, and humor for him. And every once in a while, at 4:45 pm, I change out of the yoga pants and nursing tank I’ve been wearing all day and into something cute and stylish that I could actually leave the house in just so that he can come home to the version of me I would like the rest of the world to see…every once in a while.

I give my freshest, most focused energy into raising my son. I build forts and read books and spend as much of his awake time as possible engaging him and kissing him and making him laugh. And I fervently pray that he will grow to be a man of character with a heart that is sensitive to the holy spirit and the work of God, that he will be kind and loving and happy, that he will have a peace and contentment that comes from knowing he is loved first and foremost.

I take very seriously my role as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, teacher and mentor. I give time and energy to nurture these relationships and love those who I have been blessed to have in my life. I create communities where I can and strive to bring a sense of God’s love and presence into my interactions with people throughout the day.

I try in large ways and small to leave this world better than the way I found it. I move the conversation surrounding racial reconciliation forward; I love justice and fight for it in as many ways that I can; I use my resources in ways that promote equality and fair, ethical practices; I try to educate myself and stay aware of what’s happening in the world. I recycle.

I stand in grace every day. Grace for others, and for myself. I hold these things I do and don’t do loosely, allowing myself grace again and again when I don’t quite meet the standards I set for myself. I hold expectations for others loosely as well, allowing grace again and again when those in my life are human.