So I've been thinking a lot about the new year. And about who I want to be in the new year. More than any other year of my life, the events of this past year have changed me. I am not the same person I was in 2009. Just ask my husband. Motherhood has done that to me. Some changes have probably been good, I guess. I'm a bit of a mama bear. I'm more aware of the kind of home and world I want my son to grow up in. I have a love in my heart that I've never known.
But many, most, of the changes motherhood has brought about are not so good. I'm more impatient. I'm less aware of anything and everything that exists outside of Monster. My sense of humor apparently got thrown out with the dirty diapers months ago and I'm still hoping that it's frantically trying to claw it's way back to me like those toys in the Toy Story movies. I am easily overwhelmed. I am, surprisingly, more selfish. I thought motherhood would make me more selfless but it seems that the constant attention to Liam and his needs has made me pretty selfish about my own needs whenever I am not attending to him. I carry a chip on my shoulder, harboring some constant level of resentment towards anyone who I think "has it better than me." I say and think really ugly things.
The change that bothers me the most right now is my self promotion to captain of the Blame Game Team. I am queen, captain, star player and water girl for the Blame Game. I am quick to blame, swift and concrete in my desire to cast all my problems on someone else. If things go wrong with Liam my gut reaction is to try to figure out who's ineptitude or inability is to blame. When I do something wrong I am scrambling to cast my blame net as wide and far as necessary. I forgot to return that movie? It's YOUR fault for asking me to do one more thing! I have enough to worry about without trying to cover your stuff too! I am sad/unhappy/overwhelmed because YOU aren't doing your job of making me feel better all the time!
I don't even know when I made this allegiance to Team Blame Game. I don't remember trying out. All of a sudden I'm deep in the thick of a heated game and I'm leaving a trail of chaos and hurt in my path. So my goal for 2011 is to quit this game. To say no to any requests to come out of retirement. To instead take up the practice of self reflection, panning through my days with an eye towards what's mine to own and accept.
During Advent I, inconsistently, practiced the prayer of examen. It's a form of prayer that takes you through the previous 24 hours, looking for what gave you gratitude, and what needs confession. This practice, when I remembered to do it, led me towards some of the most honest self-discovery. It led me to ask forgiveness from those I had hurt. It kept me out of the blame game. It is something I need to do every day.
As I look ahead to 2011 I desire to pray this prayer daily, in the hopes that it keeps me away from that tricky Blame Game. The Blame Game makes me focus all my energy on myself by giving all my attention to everyone else's flaws. The prayer of examen allows me to focus my energy on others by drawing my attention towards what's mine to own.
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