on praying for money

My husband started a new job a year and a half ago.  He’s no stranger to new jobs; this is the fourth job he’s had in the eight years I’ve known him.  All of them have been in the same business/finance field (a sector I go cross-eyed trying to explain) and all left him mostly hating life.  Well, all but this one.  I’m pretty sure this is the career that’s going to stick for him.  On good workdays he comes home energized, happy, excited about life.  Even on the bad days he may be a little tired but it’s nothing like the soul sucking-ness of previous jobs.

This job is different in another way.  This job is…commission based (cue the crazy screaming lady).  Basically my husband doesn’t have a salary.  Our income changes from month to month depending on how much he sold.

It’s a little scary doing life this way.  It feels like a very delicate balancing act.  Some months we could make a lot more than our monthly expenses.  Some months we could make a lot less.

We’ve done a lot to help this balancing act.  We’ve cut out most of our monthly expenses.  No cable (I miss you most of all DVR), no car payments (hello used Nissan), with the exception of our mortgage, everything goes on our credit card (I can see you cringing Suze Orman- I’m sorry!).  Truly we’re doing fine.  We have so much. We’re not worried about losing our house or not being able to pay the bills.  We’re doing fine.  We just don’t have all that extra.

After college I considered a career in campus ministry for about a nanosecond.  It was not the right move for me for a number of reasons and I’m thankful I didn’t feel particularly called to pursue that road because the post-college adventure I did experience was more than I could possibly hoped for.  But.  But.  I’m also enormously thankful I didn’t feel called to pursue that road because that road required me to raise support- i.e. ask everyone I know and a lot of strangers to pay money each month so I can “do ministry” and also not be homeless while I do it.  I know, I know- there are TONS of blessings that come from having to raise support.  There is a reliance on God that can’t be beat, and a partnership in ministry that can be so life giving.  I know.  But.  But.  I knew in my heart at age 22 that I just couldn’t do that.  I wanted to work and not think about the money.  I wanted to know up front what I was going to make each month (the number wasn’t really all that important- hello, I taught in an inner city school), budget responsibly and then live my life.  I didn’t want to have to worry each month if I was going to make it.  If I can be truthfully truthful- I didn’t want to have to ask God for money each month.

Cue the ironic music.

Because while we may not be raising support in the same way ministry and missionaries are, we are still in that scary place I’ve tried avoiding my adult life.  We don’t know what we are making each month.  We can’t budget responsibly and then just live life.  Some months, we do find ourselves worrying.  And every month we have to ask God for money.

And I have a really hard time praying for that.  I can easily pray that my husband has a good day at work, that he feels encouraged, that he learns something.  I have no problem asking God to bring my husband closer to Him and give him satisfaction in his work.  But praying for God to allow my husband to have a good sales day?  Praying for money?  Uggg, I feel so wrong doing that for some reason.

And unlike ministry, the sky’s the limit in terms of my husband’s salary (realistically speaking).  There’s no salary cap.  So what do I pray for?  Just enough to cover our bills?  Enough to cover our bills and allow us to save?  Enough to be really generous?  If I’ve learned anything about money it’s that you could always use more.  Enough is never really enough.

And yet too much is decidedly too much.  I’ve seen extreme unhappiness when people have too much money.

So how do I pray for this?  How do I depend on God in this space?

Deep down I wonder if we’re even good stewards of the gifts God has given us.  We have SO much.  How can a dare ask for more?  But yet I know we aren’t saving as we should.  We aren’t giving as much as we could.   I buy too much crap on Amazon.com because their one click option makes it way. Too. Easy.  (And it doesn’t even seem like real money when it’s an online purchase right?)  But our kids college funds?  Radical giving? 

Why would God give us more when we’re mucking up what he’s already giving?

So I’m tempted to abandon prayer altogether when it comes to money and my husband’s job.  I feel too greedy.  And yet… And yet that doesn’t feel right either.  All good and perfect gifts come from the father above.  This is a divine gift of dependence on Him.  And an opportunity to do good things for Him.

So lately I’ve settled on this:  Give us this day our daily bread… and make us good stewards of the dough.

Give us what we need for today.  And show us what to do with it.