Parent Fails

I make, on a regular basis, more than my fair share of mom fails.  There are just some parenting things that I am not good at.  And today, I’m naming them.  (Lucky you!)  I name these not because I plan to work on them.  I really don’t.  I name them more as a path towards acceptance.  Much like my list of things I don’t do, these are the parenting things I admit defeat on.  I can stress about keeping on top of these mom fails, or I can keep my kids alive.  For right now, I’m choosing option B. 

 And now, in no particular order, my top 7 parent fails (it was 5 but then I thought of 2 more):

1.)  Making my kids brush their teeth.  I’m awful at remembering this.  Seriously, Monster brushes his teeth approximately once every 3-4 days.  Other things in this category I’m the worst at: taking my kids to the dentist regularly ever, kindly telling them that they have bad breath.

2.)  Weather appropriate accessories.  For some reason I cannot seem to get my kids out of the house in weather appropriate accessories.  The other night, in the middle of a snowstorm, in an attempt to just get out of the house that we’d been trapped in all day, Tommy and I took the kids to the restaurant two blocks away for dinner.  Because the car was in the garage we decided to walk there.  We got half a block away when I looked down and realized Toots was not wearing any shoes.  Just socks.  In the middle of a blizzard.  Monster’s three winter hats have all been in my car for at least a week.  He plays outside for recess at school and all of his hats are in my car.  In the summer we’ve been playing outside for about a half an hour before I realize that I didn’t put sunscreen on.

3.)  Child proofing the house.  I know that there are a plethora of child proofing products available at Target.  Unfortunately I can never remember to pick them up during one of my twice (thrice?) weekly trips there.  And so poor Toots continues to fall down the bottom two steps.  Yes I realize a gate would probably help.  But that’s a lot of work.  So is installing those drawer protectors.  Instead I’ll just continue to pick up the sandwich bags Toots strews all about the house.  Additionally I’ve come to realize it might be wise to invest in some closable boxes for Monster’s markers and crayons so that my daughter doesn’t go around looking like she ate a smurf on a regular basis.  But again, that probably won’t make its way to my Target list.

4.)  Doing creative crafts and projects.  I know I was once a teacher, but I was NOT an elementary school teacher.  I don’t craft.  I have never looked on Pinterest for interesting projects to do with the kids.  I kind of think Pinterest is the devil.  My sister-in-law once gave me an awesome “toddler activity box” (that she saw on Pinterest) and every “crafty activity” has totally gone unused.  I open it.  I think about it.  I decide to save the crafts for another day.  It is never another day.

5.)  Teaching my kids stuff they are supposed to know.  Monster’s therapists will ask me from time to time how he’s doing on his colors.  I usually lie and say great.  The truth is he’s doing as well on his colors as he was the last time she worked with him.  Because I certainly have not practiced with him since then.  Monster didn’t know his body parts until he was like two and a half.  Partly because of his speech delay, but mostly because I never really thought to work with him on it.  I’m fairly certain that his hearing loss, and subsequent early enrollment in school, may be the best thing that ever happened to him.  Otherwise Monster would likely go to kindergarten not knowing letters, colors, numbers or how to spell his name.  Poor Toots.  She can hear so no early intervention pre-school for her.  She’s in real trouble.

6.)  Speaking to my kids in age appropriate ways.  I can’t help it.  I work with teenagers and that tends to extend into my parenting.  I’m sarcastic with my two year old.  Instead of telling him to “calm his body down” I say, “if you kick me in the boob one more time while I’m changing your diaper I will force you to change your own diapers even the really soup-y diarrhea ones that you need to take a shower after.”  I tell my crying 10 month old she’s being a total diva on par with a Bachelor contestant.  On particularly hard days I may or may not accuse them of driving me towards alcoholism.

7.)  Not laughing when they fall down.  I know.  I know.  This one is particularly bad, but I truly cannot help it.  When my toddler takes a huge spill I can’t not laugh.  Have you seen a two year old try to take a corner at 50 mph, turn too soon, hit the wall and then ricochet off of it, tumbling to the ground?  It’s hilarious.  Luckily when I hold him close as he cries he can’t see the tears of laughter falling down my face.  I’m hoping he assumes the violent laughter shakes are sobs of solidarity.

And there you have it.  My top 7 (of about 500+) parent fails.  I’m cool with it.  My kids are still alive.  They sleep and eat pretty well.  They are mostly fun to be around.  They haven’t tried to murder anyone yet.  My work here is probably done.