IRL

Once upon a time I started a blog.  Then I cloaked it in CIA level secrecy.  My own husband lost access to it when he casually mentioned the URL address to friends one night.  (It was so casual that they promptly forgot it, but Tommy got locked out for a good 6 months.  Eventually I let him back in, but not without a strict lecture about how the writing I put on the World Wide Web was private and not for the public to see.)  My blog was really just a more official place for all the random thoughts in my head to call home.

As I started dipping my toes into the blogging world I continued to keep my own work under lock and key.  I never included my blog address in any comments I left others, even refusing to leave comments at all if it automatically linked up.  I wasn’t ready for anyone to read, judge, or evaluate my thoughts.  I knew I wasn’t a professional writer.  I knew I wasn’t saying anything life shatteringly profound.  The writing was clumsy and awkward, I posted maybe once every other month, and none of it ever connected really.  I wasn’t writing for an audience, just me.

Over time I got more comfortable sharing my blog with a wider audience.  It was an audience of strangers albeit, but an audience nonetheless.   I never shared my blog with anyone I knew In Real Life though.  Friends knew that I had a blog but it’s name and address remained top secret.  While I’d reached a point where I didn’t care if some one in California came across my site and thought, “meh, she’s not a very good writer,” I wasn’t ready to chance my friends reacting that way.  I didn’t want everyone in my real life to think that I walked around imagining myself as a Writer with a capital W.

There were other reasons for my secret World Wide Web life.  Online I could write my truths as I experienced them without any accountability.  When my thought truths were shared with people who never saw me in real life there was no one to contradict them with my actual reality.  I could talk the talk online without anyone knowing if I also walked the walk.  Sometimes our talk and our walk doesn’t match up, not because we are choosing hypocrisy but because we just haven’t seen aspects of ourselves clearly yet.  I know there are ways that I see myself that don’t match up with how people in my real life experience me.  Exposing my writing meant getting comfortable with this contradiction and (life-long) journey to match my perceived self with my actual self. 

Finally, I didn’t want offend or hurt someone with my writing.  I don’t post anything I wouldn’t say aloud to my nearests and dearests but I am keenly aware of the one sided nature of a blog post.  If I’m expressing my opinion about a topic in person I’m able to read your face, to pay attention if something in my words sting or if I’m not being clear and adjust accordingly.  I can’t do that online.  Writing on the Internet puts it all out there and hopes for the best.  Or sometimes just the last word.  On the Internet the priority tends to be to communicate clearly and captivatingly the author’s opinion and perspective.  In a real life conversation there is give and take, room to communicate in love and truth with peace being the ultimate landing place.  The last thing I’d want is for someone in my real life to walk away from a blog post hurt and angry with me.

But over time my secret online life became public.  I shared specific posts I’d written with a few friends, and a few more found me on their own.  Then, when I needed to host a dinner party for a blog post I was told that my friends’ attendance came with a condition.  There would be no dinner guests if the URL address of my blog were not shared. Then things got really real when my two old friends Abby and Catie shared some of my posts with their friends.  My online presence was no longer a secret.   

And so the doors of my corner of the Internet have been flung open and people I know IRL now know me online too.  And I’m not gonna lie, there have been moments where my insecurities have gotten the best of me and I’ve started thinking up names for a new even more secret blog.  But on the whole, I’m so happy to share this space with the faces I see day in and day out.  Their support has been so encouraging and life giving.  It’s allowed people to know me more deeply and intimately.  It’s given me a reason to keep writing (what up 2013?  It’s only June and I’ve already written twice as many posts as any other year!).

I thank you for reading.  And today I share my misgivings asking for grace.  Have patience with me if my self-awareness hasn’t quite reached my reality yet.  I’m growing and stretching and sometimes it takes a while.  I promise to be as honest as I am able, to never put up a front and to admit when I’ve been wrong. 

And if I’ve written something that leaves you stung or hurt or judged- please tell me.  Let’s talk about it.  I can only do that face to face with you real life friends.  If something isn’t clear or you have questions or concerns, my heart is open- please ask.  This space, this Internet home of mine is only worthwhile if it opens dialogue, brings connection and infuses the world with more love and grace.

All this of course extends to readers who I’ve never had the privilege of meeting.  (Are there any of you out there?  I’m never quite sure if anyone besides Tommy is actually reading this.)  Feel free to email me or leave a comment.  Start a dialogue.  The Internet can bring out the worst of humanity (as is evident by the Cheerios commercial backlash) but I’m also convinced that it can be used to foster the best in us too.  My hope is that this space does that, and you feel free to dialogue and question and push back when necessary- in grace and love of course.