Work and Play

It’s 2015. 

Photo of the kiddos on New Year's Eve.  This may well be my all time favorite picture of them (subcategory: hilarious) AND a terrifying picture of what I hope is not to come for my party girl Toots.  

I don’t know if I’ve ever in my life felt such a strong sense of movement towards a new season that so perfectly aligned with the New Year.  And like years past I’m finding a word or phrase rising to the surface above the jumble that bumps around my head.  If I’m being truthful there are actually a few separate words that are shaping me in some profound and deeply lasting ways.  I’m sifting through those, quietly in my heart first, then aloud with my people and hopefully finally on the page.  But that’s another post for another day.

Right now, as I set about the pages of new calendars and plans/goals/intentions for this New Year I find myself thinking about work and play.  These two words are setting my prayers for this year.

I spent 2014 working through a lot of shit, for lack of a better word.  When my dad died it felt like everything I knew blew up and I got thrown into the deep end of a turbulent ocean, left with the work of sorting out what was what in the middle of a storm.  It was the kind of work that felt like treading water in choppy seas.  I didn’t have a choice in the work.  It was survival work.  It was keeping my head above water, trying not to drown work.  It was exhausting, day-by-day, hour-by-hour work.  And then when the seas calmed and the sun started to peek through clouds and I had a minute to catch my breath and look around it appeared that after all that work I was still in the exact same place as I had started.

But, as I head into this New Year, I’ve realized that I’m stronger than I was before.  All that treading strengthened muscles I didn’t know existed and the survival of it all left me a little surer of myself than before.  And now I’m ready to swim.  I’m ready to do the work instead of just survive it.  It’s a different kind of work this year, one that I feel more responsible for rather than responsive to.  There are some projects I want to finish, some directions I want to head in, and some things I want to say out loud.  And this year, more than ever before, I want to put my head down and swim.  I want to use all these muscles I’ve developed and add some discipline.  There is some big work to be done this year and I think I’m ready to do it.

But, I also want to play.  Because 2014 was a heavy year.  Of course it was.  And I need 2015 to feel a little more playful.  There were moments this past year when I wondered if I’d ever feel truly happy again.  The loss of my dad touched everything and I didn’t think I’d feel pure joy without a twinge of sadness again.  I may not.  I may carry a sliver of this giant loss with me always.  But more than ever before I’m ready to fight for joy and laughter.  I’m ready to play.

I want to play laser tag with all my friends for my 32^nd birthday.  And I want to go roller-skating with Tommy on date night.  I want to laugh until I cry and drink just a little too much wine with my girlfriends.  I want to wrestle with my kids and do things just because they are playful and fun.  I want to make silly faces in photos and practice spontaneity.  For all the work to be done this year I want there to be an equal amount of play.  I need to play.

And so these are the words that I pray shape 2015.  Work and Play.  Both and.  I have high hopes and deep trust in this year.  Something has shifted in me and I’m ready.

Work and Play.