Buzz

I need that buzz today. That spark, that energy in my innermost being that is tangible evidence of my connection to my creator. Truth be told the moments I’ve carried that energy and fire around inside of me are few and far between. The last time was during this past advent. At the beginning of Advent I made a decision to make this year the year that I stopped flying through the Advent season buying gifts and attending parties without a moment to pause and reflect on what this season is really all about. I decided, partially, I think, because my son’s baptism coincided with the first Sunday of Advent, that this year I was going to do what Advent calls me to do: anticipate. I needed to be present in this season of anticipation.

So I did something both incredibly obvious and at the same time incredibly profound. I sat down to connect with God. This time however I wanted to try something different. I googled Advent practices and came across one from a church in Michigan. The Prayer of Examen. I liked it. It was doable. It is not new or fresh to the world. It’s been around for ages. But it was new and fresh to me. And just as I was discovering this new and fresh to me practice in my inbox an email hit with another Advent practice. The Lectio Divina. Another practice that is not a wild new idea but rather centuries old. But, again, to me it was new and fresh. And this email came from a leadership development group that provided me with four lectionary readings for the week. Four passages of scripture with which to try this new practice of Lectio Divina. So there it was. As though they had been sent from God himself, my Advent practices.

And the first few days were magical. God spoke clearly and beautifully to me through these ancient practices. I walked around with a sense of, dare I say, anticipation, excited for what God was and would be doing. I listened to others better, slowed down more often, and connected with God more throughout the day.

But then, as it often happens, life got in the way. I chose to spend my free moments doing chores, or watching reruns of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Each week I would get a new email with new lectionary readings. And for the first few days it would set me back on track, until I was easily derailed again. All in all it was probably the most intention I’ve ever given the Advent season. But it wasn’t all the intention I had to give.

Now we are weeks into a new year; Christmas has been boxed up and put away. And I am feeling the deadness that comes from too many days without a real and meaningful connection to God. I’ve tried those ancient practices again, but they didn’t have the same effect. I think it may have had something to do with my motivations for returning to them. During the Advent series I used these new practices to help me connect with God. And the byproduct was a sense of purpose and inspiration. The byproduct was the buzz. Now I am returning to these practices for the buzz, not the connection. I want the cheap thrill, not the deeper connection. I feel a little like an addict desperately trying to find that high again. To take the hit that will give me the buzz I so desperately need.

And I do this all the time. I find something in my walk with God that works that connects me to Him and makes scripture come alive. Then I turn this beautiful practice in to an idol. I return to it, not to allow myself to be present and filled with the love of my creator, but to feel the energy and anticipation that comes when I am deeply anchored in God’s love and purpose. I allow myself to believe that unless I’m doing this X practice, for X minutes, my time with God doesn’t count and isn’t worth even coming to the table for. I believe that this is the only way God wants to connect with me and if it’s not working it’s my fault and I have to keep trying until I can make it work or just walk away from meeting with God all together. And then, as you can guess, I always choose the latter and let weeks go by without any significant attempt to pray or read scripture or even really think about God. And then I feel dead and meaningless and short-tempered and consumed with the mundane. Until God, with grace I am undeserving of, finds away to present a new practice, a new way of connecting. And it is beautiful and wonder-filled until I go and screw it up again…and the cycle continues.

I’ve been a Christian for 10 years. And in those 10 years I’ve learned a thing or two about myself and God. One of those things is that I need variety in my walk with God. I need to change it up, to be present in the large AND small moments, to try new things and trust that God is there waiting with open arms for me. And in my best moments I do. But far, far more often I revert back to autopilot. Continue my horrid cycle of trying something new, feeling deeply connected to my Abba, turning that something new into an idol and pushing myself away from God. It’s insanity! Will I ever learn? Will I always struggle and work within this cycle. I have prayed countless times for God to break through. To create a change in me. Still waiting. Still plowing through. At least, I’m still trying.