I remember the moment quite vividly, despite it's lack of presence in my journal. I remember the dinner with Kyle in Panera, my lamenting about just not quite being ready to call myself a follower, his do you believe questions, my yes answers and Kyle's simple, obvious statement, "well Colleen, I don't know how to tell you this, but you pretty much believe all the core Christian faith beliefs." It was almost as though he were a doctor telling me that, in spite of my insistence that something was wrong, I was, in fact, quite healthy. And my response: "yes I know I believe all that, but something is still missing." I remember going home that night, sitting on the edge of my bed in my high school bedroom, the west wall a collage of pictures of friends and happy occasions. I remember the words jumping out at me, "what must you do to be saved? Love the Lord with all your heart and soul and body and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself." I remember my sudden, light bulb, Oprah a-ha moment realization- that's it? I can do that. I remember the instant message conversation with Byron, my dear friend who had been so Christ-like to me in his sweet, accepting love, later that evening, his exclamation points cheering me on in my decision. I remember telling my Christian friends the next day, tentatively, shyly, and my surprise at their excited, happy reactions. And I remember that deep knowing that now that I'd said it out loud, made that commitment, there was no going back. I was in it for the long haul.
That verse is somewhat ominous as I reflect back on my 10 years of loving God. My relationship with Christ has, at times, felt a lot like all of my high school relationships. Me, desperately trying to earn God's love, to be shiny and bright and good enough to catch his attention, loving Him from afar. Me, making a much larger deal than necessary of small, sometimes insignificant moments, almost as a way to prove or validate the relationship. Me, knowing this wasn't right, knowing I had the whole "Christian life" wrong, but unable to know how to fix it. Me doing all the loving, not really knowing or expecting to be loved in return.
In the last two or three years I've tentatively dipped my toes in the waters of another way with God. A more authentic, peaceful, true way. I've had real, significant moments when I've let Christ's love wash over me, transform me, fill me. I've heard the voice of God, clearly and beautifully. I've given myself more grace than ever before and I've found more grace in God.
In my 10 years with God those moments are unfortunately too rare. I so easily revert back to my old ways, resigning myself to this unhealthy relationship with a version of God I've created instead of living out a life giving one with the real and true Creator. I choose the dysfunctional relationship every time, out of laziness, or comfort or fear. I've likened it to holding on the the bumper of a speeding car, falsely believing I can control that car if I just try hard enough, when, in reality,the car is dragging me along, battering and bruising me at every turn. Letting go is to scary, however. The view of the back of the car is at least familiar; I don't know where I would end up if I let go.
And so I cling, getting more and more battered and bruised with each pothole and hairpin turn. The longer I hold on, the more faith I lose. The more I believe in my own abilities to make things work and turn this car around, the less I believe in the saving grace of God. And the further I get from that grace, the less I want others to know God. Why would I want others to get involved in this abusive relationship? Save yourself. Life with God is hard and painful and reward less. I'd get out but 10 years ago I made a for life commitment.
But my way of living is not life with God. And I need to let go once and for all. I'm half-heartedly worshiping a sadistic, abusive idol when I could be embracing the true God whose name is Love and is Grace personified. My hope is that as my 20 year high school reunion approaches I can look back on the last 10 years with God differently. I want to see a decade that has been rich with the goodness of God's grace, one that is marked with an understanding of just how much God loves me, not just how much I can beat myself up trying to love Him. I want this next 10 years to be thick with the presence of the one true God in my life. I want to overflow with all that I've received from Him. It's all there. God is waiting patiently for me to really see him. But first I need to end, once and for all, this unhealthy relationship with the fake God I've mistaken for the real thing all these years.
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